The joke's on you, JFK.

Things nobody tells you about moving to Berlin:

1. Cashiers want exact change. Yesterday I got harangued in German by some upstart blondie who wanted exactly 1,39 euros instead of the 1,50 I gave him. “Nine cents! Nine cents!” he shouted repeatedly (in German, of course). Forget it, Fritz. He handed back my change of 11 cents, throwing in a look of exasperation for free.

2. Your chances of getting mowed down by a bicycle rise exponentially the further you stray from home.

3. Everyone obeys the crosswalk signal. Just when you think you’re safe to cross on a red, some little German car comes careening out of a side street you never saw. Shiny metal flashes before your eyes, and your feet refuse to leave the sidewalk ever again.

4. The tap water is disgusting.

5. And bottled water will break your bank account. Though significantly cheaper than in the States, bottled water is necessary for anyone who prefers to keep his gag reflex in check. Apparently you get money back if you recycle, but I haven’t figured that part out yet.

6. Where, oh where, have the ATMs gone?

7. Clean, efficient, and odor-free, the U-bahn and S-bahn put the New York subway system to shame. Except for the hours of operation – all trains shut down at midnight during the week.

8. The homeless people speak German. I’m not quite sure why I found this shocking, but to see a homeless person selling newspapers on the subway in German is a bit weird.

9. The coffee. Where are all the big cups of steaming caffeine so abundant in New York? Not here, I tell you, not here.

Also. My new cell phone is in German. I have no idea how it works.

Ich bin ein Berliner?
Yes, I occasionally feel like a jelly donut.